Solside stories - Chapter 12

Walk, stomp, fetch. Walk, stomp, fetch. These words have started to become the mantra of our little band of mercenaries. Wherever we go, something needs stomping and something needs fetching. If we didn't know better, it would seem like Alma only sends us on missions that have us stomp something and fetch something. It's not like we have other qualities. Ola is a “pretty good” singer, the gentle giant Börje can, with enough coaxing, whip up a mean hund stew. And Gunde, that little one. The only things Gunde doesn't excel at are things that he hasn't tried yet.


We arrive at Sommerby, ready to go meet David Treehorn, have him ask us to stomp something and fetch something. The only problem is, Sommerby is empty. There's not a soul around, the place seems deserted. Well, almost deserted. There's a barrel by a house, and it is shaking. Specifically, it is shaking not in the way a barrel would normally shake, but in a way that betrays the fact that there is in fact a person, shaking, inside it. We have Börje reach in and check the contents of said barrel. True enough, Börje pulls out a man, a terrified and shaking man. After calming him down with some leftover Troca, he begins to talk. He says his name is Bosse, brother of David, and that a bunch of bandits led by a certain “Fat Lars” came by, stole everything, took the rest of the villagers and pissed in his barrel. He goes on to say that knowing David, there's probably a big reward for anyone who fetches him, and stomps his captors. With a deep sigh, we agree to enter the event horizon of fetch quests that is FETCHING THE GUY WHO WOULD GIVE US A FETCH QUEST.

The bandits home base is Swinelength Pit, a dark hole in the ground less than an hours trip from Sommerby. The trip is uneventful. Standing over the pit, Ola loudly notes, to anyone around (which is only Börje and Gunde, who aren't listening) that Sommerbys problem isn't bandits. Sommerbys problem is that it is situated RIGHT NEXT to a bandit hole. Before Ola can pat himself on the back, Börje pushes him in.

The bandits in Swinelentgh do have style, let no one say any different. These guys have some real feng shui. Every corner of the cave is lined with skeletons, and cages containing skeletons. Börje is so taken back by this modern sense of interior design that he decides to help the bandits out by creating more skeletons. Well, corpses at first. Given enough time, corpses do however become skeletons. So, in a couple of years, Börjes contribution will pay off. Börje plays a long game.

Interior design

The cave is huge, seven whole levels of killing bandits, hunters and doggs. While they sound scary, the doggs are just a bigger variety of hund. Bigger animal, bigger skeleton. So, for Börje, these doggs are just fine. There is a small ledge in the middle of the cave where a bunch of trades have set up shop. Of all the places to pick, a hole in the ground filled with all manners of bandits, brigands and ass-holes seem like the worst. But our group, not wanting to look a gift trader in the mouth happily bargain with them for a bit. Buying some nice implants and selling off some of the stuff we have pilfered of the bandits. It stands to reason that, since these guys are to only traders around, we are probably selling back their stuff, but the traders don't seem to mind.

The result of Börje landing a jump

As usual in situations of dungeon spelunking, the baddest of bad guys is always at the bottom. Swinelength pit is no different. Fat Lars, the aptly named, stands proudly in his chamber, at the bottom of the pit. Besides him is a small pile, but other than that, the chamber is empty. He might have had stopped Börjes rampage if he kept some bandits around. Maybe, if instead of sprinkling them out in even (and fair) groups, he piled them all into the chamber, he might have stopped us. But alas he didn't. Maybe he would have stood a chance, if he had put SOMEONE besides himself in his chamber. But alas, again, he didn't Fat Lars goes the way of the dodo, the elk, the dolphin and the way of EVERYONE else in the cave. His head meets Börjes, and unfortunately for Lars, Börjes head was thicker. Fat Lars lost most of his upper skull in the meeting, Börje got a small bump on the forehead.

Searching the small pile besides the ex-bandit leader, we find out that it is not a pile at all. It is, or was, a person. Now it is more like a small pile of nice linens and mush. Luckily, the pile of mush has a name-tag, unluckily the tag reads “David Treehorn”. We scoop up the remains and make our way up the pit. We reach the top and look out over the fields. In the direction of Sommerby, a plume of smoke rises lazily into the evening sky.

Everyone say "ass-crack!"